Getting Inside the Head of a Bully
ARE BULLIES REALLY "BAD?" WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT GOES ON INSIDE THE MIND OF A BULLY? READ ON TO UNDERSTAND THE MINDSET OF A BULLY...
First, you need to understand what goes one behind the scenes. We already know that they have anger issues. Duuuhh. But, did you also know that there are a host of other emotions going on inside of this person, including sadness, hurt feelings, loss of personal power, frustration, low self-esteem/self-confidence, insecurity, depression, resentment, and an overall feeling of not being lovable to anyone, most especially themselves. Where did this come from you wonder? If we understood why they are so abusive and why it's always easy to "hate" them because of what they do to us, maybe we can understand how to begin to help them and ourselves.
Second, you need to realize that bullies are not born that way, they are created through a multitude of negative experiences--perhaps unhappy experiences at home, at school, through the loss of a loved one or loss of their home, a particularly traumatic event, and many, many other related reasons that become compounded. Think of a snowball rolling down a hill getting bigger and stronger until it's sooo big that it's out of control and hits someone. This is how a person becomes a bully. It's a compilation of every negative thing that has ever happened to them which they cannot let go of, and so it gets stuck inside of them. They become so angry that they transfer their anger through hurting
others the way they hurt inside. The biggest and most revealing truth about a bully is what they do to themselves; which is far worse than what they do to their victims. The cacaphony of negative self-talk and mental abuse they dish out in their minds would be rated R for violence if this was a Hollywood movie. Why, because in their mind, they have already determined that they are unlovable, worthless and don't deserve anything good. They "feel better" by causing someone else pain. What happens next is the pain then becomes a pattern of "pain management." They need to feel better again, so they create more pain by hurting people again and again. This bolsters their already low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness...almost like an addiction. There are other people who also are insecure and have low self-worth and they make perfect victims for bullies. That's why particular individuals who become "victims" are subject to repeated abuse by their bullies.
Third, not all, but many bullies also work in one other way. They bully their peers into being their "friend." It's a very unbalanced friendship as the friends must agree and condone the behavior of the bully otherwise the bully will turn on them too. The bully needs these so-called friends to bolster his/her negative ego and continue the pattern of pain fulfillment. Without the support of these friends the bully is weaker, but many of their peers don't realize this because to some degree, they too, are victims of his/her behavior. These friends also have low self-esteem and are insecure so they become easy targets for a bully to befriend.
Another important fact about bullies is that they live in a constant state of fear and people who are fearful are always trying to control their environments. In a bully's environment, they control through threats, emotional teasing mindgames and anger. All negative emotions, like anger, come from fear. If a bully is fearful, it means they are always scared. What they are scared of will depend on the origins of their anger. But at the root of their fear is the loss of control and personal power. They also need something else. Believe it or not, they need validation and to feel valued. It's just unfortunate that they choose to seek it through some form of abuse towards their victims.
Remember, they don't feel like they have any personal power, so they are trying to take yours.
There are different levels of bullying. As a teen if the bullying is either violent, scary, or destructive to the point of you fearing for your safety, you definitely need to ask for help from a trusted adult like a teacher, guidance counselor, parent, or similar. But, there's something else you can do without having to deal face-to-face with a bully. It all goes back to intention. For instance, whenever I'm around people--whether they are friends, acquaintances, members of my community, and I hear gossip or people talking negatively about other people, I never chime in. I simply stay neutral, or I try to explain the behavior by suggesting that there may be another side to the situation or that there's information we aren't aware of that could explain a certain negative behavior. As a matter of fact, I always believe and think the best of every person I meet. If someone has a label from a lot of people that they are selfish and mean, and everytime they see that person, that's what they think, then the energy they receive from that person will continue to reflect that attitude over and over again. But, if you think of that person as kind and helpful, then the energy of that positive thought and intention will flow to them as well, and when you interact with that person, they will be kinder and more helpful with you than with others. This is actually science. It's been scientifically proven that positive energy helps plants grow better, people heal faster, be happier, generate greater abundance, and much, much more.
So, what does this have to do with bullies in your school and community. Believe in them. You don't have to subject yourself to their abusiveness to believe in them. Just think positive thoughts about them and visualize the person you would like them to be. Kind, helpful, friendly, patient, giving...any positive attribute you can think of that will help. If you are really feeling generous of heart -- send them unconditional love from your heart region. (More on unconditional love in another story.) When we collectively do this, the energy gains a momentum. That momentum becomes stronger and stronger. Anger and hate only get you more anger and hate. Think of Martin Luther King--he believed in peaceful ways of creating change. You can do this in the safety of your bedroom or during quiet moments in your day. You can mentally send strong, positive intentions to that individual -- that you believe he or she is a good, kind, and loving person. Or you can send thoughts of healing and support and visualize them getting therapy or something they need to feel better. Energetic intention is everything. You, as a teenager, cannot fix them the way a therapist or school counselor can. That's not your job. But you can visualize and send intentions to that person of what they would be like if they were not a bully. Visualize them as the kind of person you would want as a friend. Bullies need a lot of healing to break the patterns of their form of abusive "pain management." They inflict pain because they are in pain.
The other thing you can do is the take back your power if you've been the victim of bullying. I'm a spiritual teacher and I teach from a place of God and unconditional love. There are many forms of energetic protection you can do for yourself that creates a barrier from negativity of all kinds--not just the bullying kind. Simply visualize a tube of permeable light substance around you. Permeable in the sense that your positive energy can flow out, but the negative stuff is repelled on the outside and will not enter in. It's kind of like a forcefield of protection, invisible, invulnerable and completely powered by you. You taking back your personal power strengthens your forcefield. Your personal power source is, of course, your Higher Self, and is fueled by the powerful energy of White Light you request from Spirit and the Universe. (Discussions on Spiritual White Light and God will appear in future articles.)
You should know that any positive visualization you send to another individual comes back to you threefold -- it builds high vibrational light and energy within you because of your loving intentions.
There's the saying, "energy goes where energy flows" and "what you think about is what you become." Don't you want to be happy, harmonious, successful and fulfilled? I leave you with that thought...
